Masked assailants try to rape President Mohamed Nasheed at gathering

MDP parlimentary group leader Reeko Moosa manik has claimed that a group of gay Backup dancers tried to rape president mohamed nasheed with se% toys at the MDP rally held recently. The MDP parlimentary group leader claims that While he was giving his tearful speech there were stones thrown at the MDP gathering which caused chaos. And in the midst of the chaos he saw a group of gay men wearing nail polish and dresses with di!d@'s in their hands leering at our president with disturbing smiles .

Speaking to the press he said "I saw with my own eyes gay people , some of whom i saw in a lady gaga music video trying to have sex with our president in open". It is believed that the group were confronted by the MNDF and retreated after being over powered by their superior gayness. Moosa Manik called on the MNDF to reveal how this happened to the public and on TVM to show the music videos of lady gaga.

IGMH Unable to do some tests after a humping accident

IGMH hospital has surprised all unsurprised people by announcing that they have run out of chemicals and microscopes needed to do some tests. Speaking to local media a guy who claims to represent them said that one of the tests that they could no longer do was the test for HIV (AIDS). They claim that they no longer have the necessary equipment to test for the deadly disease after one of their doctors ended up humping the chemical cupboard and getting their microscopes stuck in a delicate place . So now they have invented an ingenious method to test for AIDS without any equipment. But he also claimed that they could only do this test on women. Its a simple method where the Doctor has sex with his patient and if he gets AIDS then he can know for sure that the test subject had AIDS too. He remarked that it was very important that as many women as possible came to him to test for AIDS.

Surprised by the announcement the enthusiastic local media jumped on him asking him all the usual questions like "who are you" or "hows your grandma" . After all that one reporter asked "if you can't test for AIDS then how do you know if you get AIDS from your patient" . He replied "I have a PhD in Peeling banana skins who are you to ask such things from a PhD like me" so the local media took his word and a long queue is expected to gather in front of IGMH tonight

A Strip club in Maldives

The first ever strip club in Maldives was supposed to be opened next week in henveiru. However the Islamic ministry have stated that women are not allowed to dance in front of men except in Dhivehi Music Videos and hithaanukuraa parties so after a few minute adjustments the first ever Bar in Maldives Will be opened.The Bar would be like any other bar except that all the alcoholic drinks will be non-alcoholic.

Recently President Nasheed announced that there are plenty of opportunities for foreign investors in Maldives and he was surprised by the lack of such investment. This bar is part of a program by the government to attract foreign investors towards Maldives. They are also planning to build a casino in Hulhumale and fully utilise the newly discovered natural resource in Maldives, prostitutes.

Bangladeshis in Maldives vote For their Bondhu Leader

Bangladeshis in Maldives have voted in a historical poll that decided who they think should be the president of Maldives. There was a lot of hype surrounding the election especially among Maldivians who have an unparalleled love and respect for the Bangladeshi people. Speaking to what-a-noos a man from Bangladesh said "Alla Giri Giri Podilla nalla naagiri" , our team of language experts are trying to comprehend what he was saying but so far we think he was trying to say "I need to take a shit, can you show me where the toilet is".

The election was easily won by Burma Gasim who is famous for donating jumhooree party t-shirts to Bangladeshis. Unfortunately we could not find a political analyst to analyze the election so we went to a restaurant to find the public opinion. The People there expressed great optimism and passion with comments like "I dont give a F$%K","Su#K it", "alla giri giri" and "Thi%$aa boigen tha thihiree" . The poll was covered by famous TV Channels such as BBC (Bangladeshi Broadcasting corporation) and CNN (chicken noodle naagiri)

A hidden message

Strict New Rules in CHSE

According to the Management of CHSE the students have always complained that the rules in the school are not strict enough so they have decided to introduce some new rules. In the past students in CHSE were not allowed to come to school with facial hair. Now according to the new rules they also have to shave their Armpit, Nose hairs and Pubic hair.

When coming for Extra classes students are now required to wear a special Underwear called "Activity Underwear" Which has a CHSE logo on the backside and a smiley face on the Front Side. In addition to this girls are also required to wear the "Activity bra" when coming for extra Classes. These activity underwear are only supposed to be used inside the school and you should not be caught wearing them outside school.

Bangalhees responsible for bodu burugaa

Warning: No bangaalhees were hurt in the making of this article

A research by theMaldivian psychotic university claims that the increase in number of women wearing bodu burugaa can be attributed to the increasing number of bangalhees in Maldives. A study showed that when a bangaalhee man looks at a woman with a horny look on his face , this can scare the living hell out of a woman and leave her with no choice but to wear the bodu burugaa. In order to prove this theory they sent a bangalhee man to stare at certain notorious sluts on the islands none of whom wear burugaa. Within just two months 25% of them were wearing bodu burugaa and another 60% wearing burugaa and the other 15% had sex with the bangaalhee man.

After hearing the news the government immediately announced that they were "Ecstatic about the news" and they will give their own version of the nobel prize called "Bodu-Galhi award" to the scientist behind the research Dr. Shaffaaf . Dr. Shaffaaf also declared that he had found a way to catch illegal bangaalhees in Maldives. The method involves attaching a 5 Rufiyaa note to a fishing rod and throwing it from a high building. The technique is so similar to fishing that he decided to call it "Pissing".

10 men arrested for smuggling badi's into the maldives

10 men have been arrested for smuggling illegal whores also refered to as "badi" into the country. According to the maldivian constitution people are not allowed to import badi's into maldives . This was part of a special investigation by police into the increase in the number of prostitutes in maldives. Police say that women in burugaa are loaded onto a speedboat at hulhule and then stopped halfway between male and hulhule in order to strip them half naked.They are then sent to artificial beach and other areas of male.

Many of the badi's were later found in a house in male .The house belonged to a man posing as a Sri lankan but police later confirmed that his real name is "Snoop Do double G". So far police have confiscated 30 badi's , 2 swords ,5 lingerie, 2 tooth picks and 30 trillion zimbabwe dollars.

Superman Returns- The Maldivian Version

Maldivian Movie Makers are planning to make a Dhivehi version of the Superman Movie titled " the return of sperm-man". The script for the movie will be written by Nahula . According to our sources the special effects in the movie are amazing and some of the special effects include the zoom-in effect used in kasauti. Some people believe that this movie will be even better than kasauti in terms of special effects.

In the movie sperman will be played by Umar Naseer, and Lois lane will be played by Yoopey while the part of lex luthor will be played by none other than our beloved Maumoon abdul gayyoom. Speaking to our reporters The director Amjad said" We are Working with a large budget which includes money to get whores... I meant actresses and some extras (parteys) for the movie, we also lost a lot of money as Yoope went on a major shopping spree using our money by mistake".

The movie will premier in cinemas all over the world on Feb 7th 2009

Update: The movie has been cancelled after it was sent to the censorboard

No UNislamic activities at the DJ

Police say that they had monitored the acitivities including those happening in the toilets but they didnt find anything contrary to Islam during the new years eve dj's. Speaking to the press a police sergeant said "Our officers are highly trained in islam, almost 50% of them know how to pray properly and a few of them know how to write bismillah so we can't question their judgement".

The organisers complained that police had interrupted the DJs saying that they found lots of male police officers dancing which caused most youngsters except a few women to loose interest. But police claim that this was all part of a program to ensure that nothing contrary to Islam was done at the DJ.

Most of the People who attended the Dj were disappointed with it. One 19 year old man said " This beautiful woman on a motorcycle came and gave me an ad to go to the Dj so i was expecting more naked beautiful women like that at the Dj but it was full of men so i went back to smoking cigarettes again "

The Return of Maumoon

Hundreds of Thousands of supporters gathered in the republican square to welcome the old president maumoon abdul gayyoom who made a visit to singapore for a get together party with bill clinton. During the party they discussed major global issues such as global warming and sex which happens to be bill clintons favourite topic during and after his days in the white House.

Secuirity were in tights as gayyoom was hugged ,fondled and sexually harassed by the gathered crowd. He eventually managed to make it to the car after loosing several of his body parts to the screaming women. Speaking to what-a-noos a woman called Maumoona said "This large crowd here full of women proves that maumoon is sexier than anni, Anni can wear a yellow tie but maumoon is the only leader man enough to wear a pink tie"

Workshop to raise awareness on STD's

A workshop has been held in CHSE to give the students information about sexually transmitted diseases. The students noted that the workshop was very helpful and entertaining. One student said " i never knew you could do that with your thing, i have to try that sometime". A discussion also took place during the workshop and students discussed the issue which is considered to be taboo in Maldives.

After the workshop ended the next day 14 students very absent due to sexually transmitted diseases and 1 of them had HIV aids. Two weeks later 40 students got syphilis, 9 got HIV aids and one very stupid student lost his manhood. The school considers the workshop to be very successful and they are now planning to have a new workshop on drugs

Maldivian gangster party

MGP (maldivian gangster party) Manifesto

Our party was established to protect the rights of gangsters in Maldives. Recent statistics show that 15% of maldivians are gangster and another 15% are wannabe gangsters. so it is very important to protect the rights of gangsters

Legalisation of marijuana

our first priority would be to leagalise marijuana in Maldives and to increase the efficiency of a drug trade in the region. As for punishment people who bring drugs into maldives will be sentenced to 1 month in a 5 star resort.

Protecting the environment

In order to protect the environment it is important to make maldives a more green place. so we are planning to start a program to plant 2 million marijuana plants and another 2 million of opium in maldives so that more oxygen is produced and carbondioxide in the atmosphere reduced.

economy

By making maldives the one of biggest centre of drug trafficking in the world we would make a hell lot of money. so our country will be rich. In order to do this we will spend 100 million dollars on increasing drug production throughout the country

Religion

under our rule maldives will be 100% islamic but anyone can follow any religion and do anything they want as long as they claim to be muslims and go to the friday prayers.

Urbanisation

We plan to build 4 urban centres across maldives for 4 different types of people. One urban centre for PIMPS one urban centre for science nerds one urban centre for gay people and one urban centre for normal people.

please vote for us if you dont want to end up getting beaten by 7 people with swords,sticks,knifes etc..

Thank you for your coperation

election 2008

lets look at the main candidates for the 2008 elections in Maldives

first the bald , old guy who has been president for 30 years.For the sake of national secuirity we

shall call him G-Man. since he came to power in 1978 he has lost 50% of his hair and 75% of his brain but still he is a leading candidate. According to the survey we carried out by asking 1000 random people who they think will win the erection 550 believed he would win the election. But this is not an accurate result as some people were being sarcastic and our idiotic staff questioned many "bangaalhees" and "parteys" during the process.

then we have a skinny guy with a big mouth and a not so big head. we shall call him "N" just so i dont get attacked by large mob of women. he is definitely the ladies man despite his looks and his speeches can really touch the deepest parts of a woman's soul the way a naked flame touches a womans buttox. He is also very good at throwing bondi-baiy partys and made his apperance on MTV last year in which he gave an emotional speech about the value of underwear in society

theres also the skinny, geeky she-male guy who tries to win the election by promising to buy things for everyone. and then the business man who is emerging as the dark horse in the race to win the erection(whatever that means)

but my personal favorite is i-Bra. who made the l-ibra-l party to promote the proper usage of Bra's in maldives and released his own line of brassieres called vote for iBRA. well i dont think we need to hide his name for the sake of national secuirity atleast until novermber

A love poem by a NERD

your crystal blue eyes are as bright
As a 21 inch LCD screen
you make me feel so high
Like a 12 Gigabyte RAM
i cant help falling in love with you
just the way i fell in love
with all the girls in Japanese anime
and of course bill gates

I wanna kiss you gently

The way i lick my monitor
I wanna F%#K you with passion
The way i insert my pen drive
i want to stay by your side
86400 seconds every day
and i'll protect you
even from the micro-organisms

so baby lets get together now
it will be just you and me and my computer
Lets get married and have kids
In an online multi-player game
if its a girl we will call her tanya-x-2536
and if it is a boy we will call him metal-man-356